Mid-October has been a special time for me, since 2002. I am currently on the verge of sitting for my first "Step" in licensure, and felt it prudent to reflect upon how I arrived at a career in medicine.
The year 2002 started off normally for my family, a close-knit group of 4-mother, child, and grandparents. Of these, my grandfather seemed the healthiest, save for a few bouts of gout every year. He led a healthy lifestyle, getting frequent exercise with his shepherd/husky mix, chopping trees, shoveling snow and visiting neighbors. He would fatigue quickly, so made a habit of taking daily naps. In late January, my astute mother noticed his ankles were edematous, and made an appointment with his PCP. The PCP prescribed diuretics and advised to follow up. Shortly thereafter, my grandfather mentioned a nagging pain in his left side. My mother asked for a CBC, which was never completed. My grandfather was tested for heart failure, diabetes mellitus, and various other common ailments. Trips were made back and forth from the doctor; finally a CBC/peripheral blood smear was done, and a diagnosis was made- Chronic Myelomonocytic Leukemia; an extremely rare leukemia with no cure, and no detectability until the "crisis" stage, though commonly associated with chronic gout and splenomegaly.
My grandfather was referred to an oncologist, and began getting blood transfusions. He was put on a few blood-boosting medications and full-time oxygen. He tried to lead life as normal, continuing to cut branches and untangling the dog from the snarls of the oxygen tubing. When he felt well enough, he attended my dance performances, and we even went to see Mel Gibson's "Signs", although he was embarrassed to tote the heavy oxygen canister though the theater. I accompanied him to his blood transfusions, taking careful mental notes of the nurses too busy with birthday celebrations to notice that his oxygen canister was empty and rattling, or too engrossed in watching "The Price is Right" to remove his automatic blood pressure cuff after discontinuing his IV. I watched my strong, 6'3", 230lb grandfather slowly waste away, while trying to maintain normalcy in our lives.
The entire family worked hard to help him heal. In an effort to limit his fluid retention, we cooked low-sodium, low-fat foods, which were labeled and charted to ensure he was getting enough nutrition without harm. My mother purchased a CraftMatic bed for him, so he would be more comfortable and wouldn't use his precious energy trying to sit up in bed. He listened to self-hypnosis tapes and meditated daily, to focus his energy on healing and controlling proliferation. His oncologist seemed to be uncomfortable discussing his prognosis, and advised against splenectomy, due to my grandfather's insurance and age.
By the end of September, and with little encouragement from the oncologist, he decided that treatment was futile. "Save the blood for someone else," he said. "Someone who really needs it". The oncologist offered to refer for splenectomy, but he was weary and resigned by this point. We discontinued the sodium and fat controlled foods, and made his favorites- lobster tail, hot dogs, shrimp. He passed away in his CraftMatic bed on Oct 17, 2002, missing his birthday by 6 days.
Every patient knows a story like this, either experienced personally or heard from others. Every doctor knows a hundred of these stories, shared in medical journals or by colleagues. Did a medical error occur? Patients and families may emphatically agree; Physicians may not feel the same. My point in writing is not to place blame, gripe about the state of healthcare, or lament that not enough was done to save my grandfather. Perhaps the disease was caused by years of exposure to benzene from working in a pharmacy laboratory. Perhaps the cause was due to inhaled cigarette toxins, and he hadn't quit in time to prevent damage. Perhaps there is no attributable cause. Whatever the case may be, I believe that a plan is set out by the Most High, and for whatever reason, I needed to experience this loss, this suffering, in order to become a more observant, empathetic physician. I am so grateful for the time I spent with my grandfather, especially while he was most vulnerable. I am grateful for the lessons I learned through this process. When I approach the computer on Wednesday, I am confident that the spirit of my beloved grandfather will be with me.
I love you and miss you, GVS.
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